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[18 Jun 2007|02:34am] |
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hello journal. i was just suddenly overcome with the urge to share with everyone how astounded i am at the people in my life. every day i am amazed at how much my family and friends mean to me. anyway, this is just to let everyone know that i think you are all wonderful people, even the ones who don't read this. everyone is so beautiful, intelligent and kind. i love you all. goodnight.
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[23 Dec 2006|12:50am] |
this is so not how i imagined spending my first christmas break home from college. don't get me wrong, i've had some good times since i've been home, but working 40 hours a week and not having a car renders me virtually useless. i feel like a burden ALL THE TIME. at the end of the day, i feel left out and lonely, which is my own fault because it's my choice and my responsibility to work. christmas is in two days and i don't even really care, which is the saddest part of all, because this is usually my favorite time of year. i want to go back to college, this "break" is exhausting and i can't stop bitching and moaning most of the time. i miss the summer and wish i could be more enthusiastic or optimistic about december. i wish i wasn't writing this in my livejournal, because it's annoying and petty and i feel like a brat.
if this is what it's like to grow up and become an adult, i really want to quit right now. but it has to happen sometime, and i shouldn't be such a baby about it. i just wish i had more time. but right now i need sleep because tomorrow is another day and i have to be okay and ready for it.
//edit: i'm stupid and immature for ranting like this. i considered deleting it, but i figured if it's how i felt/feel then i should be honest. p.s. GROW UP, ERIN.
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[18 Nov 2006|02:51pm] |
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I feel like the past few times I've written in this journal, I've been sad and anxious and kind of out of it. But I just needed to mark the occassion because yesterday and last night were the best times I've had in a while. You know those times when you just can't stop smiling? When you feel the need to tell everyone you see that you are in one of those insufferable good moods and that they are the reason for it? I want to read this in a week, month, or year and still remember how fucking fun life is sometimes. And Thanksgiving is so so so so so sooo soon and The Gaggle will finally be reunited and I will see everyone I want to see and hug. I love all of you, very much, and I can't wait to catch up on all the little and big and crazy things that we have to say.
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[07 Oct 2006|10:05pm] |
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We lay on our backs, perfectly still, with our heads barely touching. We can see our breath, watch it carry our warm summer memories up through the power lines and tree branches, into the cold October sky. And only we know the truth, that nothing is ever lost or broken. Everything is right where we left it, waiting patiently for us to come home and gather each other into our tired arms. We will never be alone, not while we have these autumn clouds and our tightly grasped hands to keep us warm. We will never grow old. We will never die.
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[18 Sep 2006|07:40pm] |
Everytime I eat Easy Mac (which is a lot), I think about Sparkle Atmosphere and The Land of Do It! and our mexican blanket and trying to play it cool while Kayla's dad is in the kitchen with me. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Asheville was perfect and goddamn I love Julia. She is so beautiful. And this weekend.. Holy shit, this fucking weekend I get to see Laurie Bixley and I am so stoked. I want to hug a Lumbee so bad and maybe kiss a new piercing. And Stephanie! Come to Wilmington, baby. You could totally make it on your bike.
This Easy Mac tastes totally gross... That is disappointing. I gave it to my neighbor who, before he consumes said Easy Mac, politely asks "You don't have herpes of the mouth, do you?" Oh, college. Today was so busy but I feel pretty good about it. It's getting colder out, and it's getting darker earlier. Weeeird. Anyway, I am excited about everything and now I have to go write a poem for Creative Writing. Hell yeah!
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[16 Sep 2006|12:47am] |
I AM GOING TO ASHEVILLE TOMORROW TO SEE MY BEST FRIEND. I could cry I'm so happy.
In other news, I have other news. So much news. I have two sets of x's on my hands (Olive Or Twist and The Visulite) and a stamp on each for different reasons. I love dancing. I need to shower because I was in such a rush today and I forgot my shampoo in my dormroom. Tonight I watched my brother's band compete for the Zippo Hot Tour and they were so perfect and I could have burst with pride. I had a really nice ride home with my dad and we talked about music and life. I feel good and busy and content most of the time, but I also miss everyone so much.
I feel really unnerved because I don't write on my calendar anymore. Weird. Weird weird weird. I am doing laundry and sitting in my own bed (which is covered in my sister's crap) and I have to pee.
So tomorrow I get to spend two and a half hours in a car with a few Russians, but then I get to see Julia Fucking Novicaine and we will hug and dance and sing Journey like we were always meant to. And maybe some Ataris. And it will be epic.
I'm going to go cuddle with my mom and talk talk talk. Goodnight, everyone! I hope you're having a swell September.
P.S. ( Stay fat. )
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| you remind me of home |
[02 Sep 2006|03:26am] |
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I'm sitting in my own living room, and I feel so out of sorts. I've been on the verge of something devastating since I began counting the mile markers for Charlotte. I walk these familiar halls, these familiar roads, and I only breathe the air of the summer we claimed and the town we loved. I woke up this morning, so anxious and excited to lay eyes on my purple front door. But now I feel this physically incapacitating nostalgia that I swear will be my downfall. I know this will fade in time, but I'm tired of time and I'm tired of fading.
Laura Elizabeth Bullard makes me laugh when I feel low and lonely. Clifford Martin Hagar Jr. holds me and talks me through the weirdest night of my life. And Adam Kelly Griffin makes terrible sense when he least expects it. I don't know where I'd be without my friends. My puzzle pieces. I wish I could go to Asheville to see Jewliyah McHottie, and I wish Laura Bickford was coming home, but I'm so glad they are happy and having a good time. I am looking forward to getting back to college, because the past few weeks have been good and solid and reaffirming.
Last night, I faced a hurricane and I stood my ground. I was soaking wet and freezing cold and I loved every second of it. I know that I am growing, I am learning to face these things on my own. But I will always need you, I will always need the comfort of the people I call home.
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[29 Aug 2006|01:30pm] |
This morning, Julia woke me up from a dream where I was holding a tiny kitten, and she laughed and made fun of me for having that dream, and for a second I forgot that I was 200 miles away from home and I could swear I heard her say "Let's go to Coffeeworks." I am really excited about going home this weekend. I miss Charlotte! I love Wilmington, but I miss Sardis Rd North and Providence Rd and E. Independence Blvd and etc.
I really like college. I'm kind of blown away by the amount of freedom I have. I didn't come home until 2:00 am last night, even though I had an 8:00 am class this morning, but I didn't care. I love doing whatever I want all the time. The other day, Sarah and I basked in some interpretive dancing and sang disney songs. Vivian and I wear cowboy boots downtown and get to play with boys and eat tons of pizza. Tonight is Vagina Night and we will probably do something silly and I love spending time with Sarah, Vivian, Bridget and Caroline. We talk a lot of shit and beat up boys but.. LET 'EM SAY WE'RE CRAZY! WHAT DO THEY KNOW!? I love living near the beach. I'm meeting a ton of really cool people and I love it. I think I might take another nap or maybe eat some Famous Amos shit. Good day, children!
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[23 Aug 2006|11:04am] |
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I have class in an hour. African Religions, who knew? It will be my first college class and I am kind of scared but not really. I am sitting in a dorm room and wearing a UNCW sweater and listening to the voices of my neighbors as they walk by and say "heyyy" and yell at each other and sometimes we laugh and write weird things on each others' doors. I like college so far, even if I do feel really homesick and disconnected. I've made some cool friends and my roommate kicks ass. Yesterday, during the tsunami (for real, y'all), we laid in bed and watched Oprah and America's Next Top Model. I am feeling happy but really overwhelmed and sad at the same time. I need to shower so I can make it to class.. WEIRD.
How are you?
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[16 Aug 2006|02:11am] |
I suddenly feel so incredibly fucking sad. I can feel myself crumbling, I can feel it all falling apart. I said goodbye to Sara Veale today and I can already feel myself missing these familiar shapes. I can't help feeling like I'm overreacting, while justifying these hysterics with such empty logic. Today, my dad held my hand while we drove and I cried behind my sunglasses, while we talked about railroads and nothing at all. I want to hold my sister and be able to look at her without worry or guilt, just love. I want to always sit on the kitchen floor with my brother and talk and gasp and cry until he forces me to breathe again. Most of all, I want to make my mother laugh and kiss her forehead and make sure she knows that she will always be my home.
I refuse to even deal with saying goodbye to my gaggle until I absolutely have to. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.. We will deal with these demons in time. When I think about college, I am overcome with anticipation, with fear and anxiety and excitement. I cannot begin to fathom the paradoxical mess that is my emotions. I am so ready to leave, so fucking ready.. And at the same time, the thought of leaving this comfort makes me want to crawl under my bed and hold my breath until it all goes away.
Maybe it's because I'm still running on the two hours of sleep I got last night, and maybe it's because I've been staring at this computer screen for way too long, but I feel so overwhelmed. I'm losing my mind, forced from the comfort of the familiar to find peace in the frighteningly uncertain. Goddammit, I need sleep.
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[15 Aug 2006|12:33am] |
I am totally making this entry from my kitchen. Laura Bickford is sitting on the floor next to me, reading about Lindsay Lohan. I love having a laptop.. Now I can read Questionable Content from the comfort of my bed.
I got a tattoo today! Morgan and I got matching snowflake tattoos to commemorate our Alaskan birth. It hurt like hell, but I love it. It has been a slow, relaxing week.. a good week, a weird week. Weird, because it's our last week together. Weird because I know that as soon as I take a deep breath and let it go, it will be time to let go and start over somewhere new. Weird, man.
I miss a lot of you. Please stop by and say hello, children. Hello, children!
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[03 Aug 2006|02:09pm] |
I blinked. We blinked, and it's almost over. What started out as an endless summer, with all the time in the world, has come down to the last two weeks. The last two weeks. In three weeks, we will be scattered across the coast, scattered across the country. Kayla is already gone, and I feel like this is the beginning of the end. But it's not over yet, and we still have time to feel at home.
At my best, I'm with my friends, sleeping two feet away from Julia, spooning with Laura, not sleeping at all. At my best, I am breaking rules and laws and listening to Marilyn Manson. At my best, I am curled up on the couch with Martin, sitting at Liberty East, and riding shotgun. At my best, I am wasting my time and my money and getting paid to hang out with Adam and eat ice cream. August is going to be insane. Cerfifiably insane.
( If it's gotta end, then let it end in flames. )
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[19 Jun 2006|01:32pm] |
I lost one of my favorite pairs of jeans. I just have absolutely no fucking clue where they are. If anyone happens to have a pair of my jeans lying around, please let me know because i love i love i love them and they are gone. They are HCO and size three and they have holes in the knees. Really specific, I know.
I want a facebook so bad!! But I don't think I'll be able to get one until I get my e-mail at ORIENTATION, which makes me angry because that situation is fucked up and I don't get to orient myself with college until AFTER I MOVE IN. I'm scared to go to college. But my fears are seriously outweighed by my eagerness to go.
I NEED A CAR. It's driving me fucking crazy. Plus, I suddenly feel like I'll never be able to leave Go Go Juice. Like, even if I actually turned in my two weeks notice (a week and a half ago) he's still putting me on the schedule. Which is actually fine, because I haven't had time (or transportation) to find a new job, but what if I never leave? What if I'm like 25, still bitching about cleaning the Zumex (FJASL;JKL;32FUCK).
Enough bitching. Sorry, guys.
Good news!! The Dave concert is tomorrow night, I am very excited. Martin comes home today, Laura Bickford comes home tomorrow, I'm going clubbing on Wednesday, then Brand New is on Saturday. This will be a very exciting week! I beat Julia at UNO once, then she beat me, but we had fun and slept in a comfy bed and mostly missed Sad Fest '06. I love her. I miss Laura Bullard. Sometimes, when I think about how much I love her, I set myself on fire. Drew and Jason put up with Julia and I in public, when we are walking through Harris Teeter singing JOURNEY. I had fun with all of my friends on Saturday night, and Friday night because I spent time with my bffaeaeaeaeae Laura Elizabeth Armstrong. Mostly, I am feeling good about summer. Except my lack of jeans, facebook and transporation. And a well-paying job.
This entry is basically dedicated to Charlie and my sister's cat, Ham.
( You were a good man, Charlie. )
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[22 May 2006|11:47am] |
Last week, we were driving back from Bixley's Bou, and we passed this church marquee that said "You belong here." While I know they were referring to their congregation, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I read it. The idea of belonging somewhere is so much bigger than anything we could ever imagine. And I feel like I belong here. Here, in your car, in your room, in this huge crowd of people, in this park, with these people, in this house, in these clothes, in this lap, listening to these voices, listening to this music. I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be, with the people I'm supposed to be with.
I didn't go to school today. I hate myself for not going to school today. But there are only three weeks left, and if I can just survive these three weeks, I'll be the happiest girl in the world.
This weekend, and last weekend, these days make me excited for summer. Freedom Park Hair Styles, birthday parties, underwear parties, Liberty East, sweet chinese/mexican food, getting hook[a]ed up at The Green, road trips to see Minus the Bear, falling in and out of sleep on my couch, forgetting the rest of the week and the rest of the world in our own little world by the lake, with sparkling grape juice and bubbles and candy and Santa Clause.
I belong here, and you belong here with me.
I'm happy, but mostly hungry, so I'm going to go make a sandwich.
The end.
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[07 May 2006|07:09pm] |
I just found one solitary perfect gray hair on my head. HA! I am completely obsessed with it and can't stop staring. I named it Sparkle. I hope it stays forever. I'm an old woman.
This weekend was hilarious and fashionably late and full of hidden limes and sassy Qdoba employees and PROM and back massages and marriage proposals. Today was perfect and lazy and so unproductive. I'll never stop loving Julia's bed. EVER. You are a sexy sexy sexy prom date and a sweet dancer.
It blows my mind that it's almost summer again. What am I saying? It is summer again. It seems like two seconds ago that we were raising our glasses and screaming Cutsman in Kayla's kitchen. Wasn't it just yesterday that I cried in your doorway and you promised you'd see me soon? Well, now you're all almost home, and I hope we can make the most of this summer.
I want to go to church again soon. I want to care more about school, but that's a lost cause. I need to make more money and spend less money and always eat McDonalds. I need a fucking camera before my brain runs out of memory and I start to forget faces and names.
MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 24 DAYS.
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[30 Apr 2006|11:24pm] |
I had a very nice, perfect, good, great weekend. It's becoming a habit of mine.
I saw everyone I wanted to see, everyone I needed to see, I had fun.
Tonight I paid my sister money out of my pocket for her P.F. Chang's leftovers. It was a very tasty way to end such a nice few days.
At the beginning of the year, I thought I'd be sad and nostalgic and scared to leave high school. But right now, the only thing I need is to walk across that stage and leave so much behind. Not to say that I'm not going to hold on to some things for dear life, I just need a change and a new outlook.
Tomorrow, I will come out of the closet to my ninth grade biology teacher. And that's all you need to know about that.
Tell me something that I don't know about you.
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[22 Apr 2006|01:12am] |
This week has been a lot of good and a lot of bad. I've been sick and I've felt like a mess, but otherwise good. I like my friends and my cell phone and BURGER KING. I think I'm gonna have to make a pit stop by Go Go Juice in the morning to clean up the vandalization. Don't take it personal, I just don't want you marking your territory where my friends and I hang out. Thanks, baby.
Tonight we did CHINESE FIRE DRILLZ and I touched Laura once, I touched Laura twice. The lady at BK was dumb as hell but we sang Nelly and yelled, "RIGHT! LEFT! STRAIGHT! GAY!" Julia was a bunny rabbit and Drew got a poisonous face rash from "really soft toilet paper." Laurie Bixlie got to meet my seriously inappropriate grandmother. Katherine and Jason are qtz that I want to see every day. I'm glad tonight was the way it was. I luv the Gaggle, OH.
I keep looking at old pictures and realizing that we are growing up, we are growing old, we are growing fast. We are losing time and making time and spending time and still breaking curfews. It's scary and new, but I've got you, and you've got me, and we'll all be just fine. As long as I've got you, and you've got me.
I am so excited about tomorrow. Dirty rap in the limo, dirty dancing downtown, dirty good clean fun afterward. I am so excited about so many things. ¿y tu?
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[16 Apr 2006|10:24pm] |
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FIRST MISQUITO BITE OF THE SEASON!
This is exciting because it means summer is SO CLOSE. So close. Yeah! I laid on my back on the bench with Julia today and we talked about all the exciting things coming up. Prom x 2, road trips, graduation, SUMMER. Oh, man.
This week started out rough rough rough and felt bad and sad (Hay Laura, write a song), but it was made infinity times better by mixed CDs (Erin is a Whore) and letters, trips to the waterz, sweet phone calls, Talent Shows, Liberty East, Freedom Park and delicious Thai food, Can't Hardly Wait and Bring It On, Downtown and Fuel Pizza and dirty rap, living at Julia's house, hanging out at Patrick's, learning how to swing dance, laying on your couch, spending family time with my crazy ass parents, Thank You for Smoking, and basically just feeling good with you.
This weekend is Providence's prom and it's going to be sweet as hell. Am I prepared? Not even a little. WHATEVER. I can't wait to see Laura tomorrow and have a Gaggle reunion. REPENT, BITCHES.
I'm eating buttery corn and thinking about the time Julia made it for me as a surprise. Hay, qt --- I <3 u.
Ask me questions, I give you answers, it will be a fun game we play NOW.
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[09 Apr 2006|12:40am] |
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Even though every single plan we made tonight FAILED, it was a nice night. And I seriously meant to spray Oust RIGHT IN LAURA'S MOUTH. Hey, she's reading this while I type. Hey, Laura. How awkward. Uhm, I'm sorry for being a big bitch, I didn't really mean to spray it in yo mouf. I didn't mean it when I said I'd hate listening to myself if I sounded like you. We know how indie my dad is, and that he thinks Britney Spears is "hm.. interesting." I hope we can still be friends, even if I listen to Rascall Flats. Oh, God.
L O L O L O L O V E!
Anyway, I have nothing to say. Today was my mom's birthday and she is so funny. Laura still hasn't taken off her purse. AWKWARD. Don't flip me off. Much better. I'm gonna stop this now.
"Welcome to my family."
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[08 Apr 2006|12:11am] |
"What does that cloud look like?"
"Someone riding a bike."
"This one looks like the Go Go Juice label."
"Stop it."
Freedom Park saw The Gaggle reunited. Mostly. Inchworms and grass and cartwheels and Moe's. I think I got a sunburn on my nose for about 20 seconds. Worth it? Yeah. "Honey, I Made the Inchworms Our Same Size!"
Today, on Providence road, Julia and I listened to really good punk rock and threw marshmallows at palz. Then Julia, Sara and I made s'mores in the microwaves and watched Everything is Illuminated. Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. We completed the picture post, so check out Julia's livejournal (Vivarevolution) for some SWEET PIX of sbohsex.
GLACIERS GLACIERS GLACIERS GLACIERS!!
Goodnight!
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